If you’re anything like me and dreading family discussions this holiday season – due in large part to the recent election and subsequent country divide – then you’ve probably already thought about how you can avoid them. Since life is not actually an SNL skit, and we can’t just play Adele on an infinite loop when Uncle Larry starts talking politics, there need to be other ways to channel emotions and contribute in conversations. And more importantly, there need to be healthy ways to politely deal with Aunt June’s 1950’s comments.
Here are 5 strategies that can be helpful to deal with unpleasant family holiday discussions.
Practice Active Mindfulness:
While “daydreaming” may seem like an appropriate mode of escape, it often leads to further questions and discussions of why you’re not listening or participating. And no one wants to be the rude cousin that Grammy gives less money to in a month’s time.
By knowing how to observe the present moment as is, you’re able to keep your mind from wandering, specifically by not allowing negative comments to enrage you further by snowballing into one negative topic after another.
A quick way to bring yourself back into the present moment is to check in with your 5 senses: What am I seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing, and feeling? This will bring you right back into your seat and you can then process each comment for what it is, and move on to asking for more stuffing.
2. Set Aside Time For You
There is nothing wrong with a polite ‘excuse me’ and a quiet five minutes alone in the bathroom. Self-care is very important, especially during extremely stressful scenarios, and a couple minutes to relax your body and mind is underrated. I’ve found that taking a moment to focus on your breathing can allow some of those negative feelings to lose power.
A quick breathing exercise is called box breathing: Breathe in through your nose for 5 seconds, hold your breathe for 5 seconds, and breathe out through your nose for 5 seconds. Try this on repeat for 3-5 minutes and you may find yourself ready and excited to get back to the table and maybe even enjoy those family discussions – even if they’re broken up into segments between much needed breaks.
3. Accept the Fact that Upsetting Experiences are Unavoidable
In the midst of trying to avoid every confrontational discussion, it is not likely that you will completely avoid feeling any negative emotion. That’s okay; in fact it is completely normal! Many people aim to numb or avoid ‘bad’ emotions but it is actually more helpful to notice and accept them and then choose a positive action step to help find yourself in a better emotional state.
Give yourself a pat on the back for getting through the meal without too much disappointment.
Share a pleasant experience or story with your cousin you don’t typically speak to. Try and find the small ‘wins’. Trying to avoid emotions will only create stress at a time where stress is already being served as a side dish. No need for seconds
4. Never Forget To Smile
I know, that sounds absolutely ridiculous. You’re being chastised for the article you posted on Facebook, and I’m telling you to just smile in response and that will fix it. I can see your eye roll from here. But trust me, a smile goes a long way. You can actually trick your brain’s natural tendency towards negative thoughts by simply smiling – even if it’s fake. The more you smile, the more your brain shifts away from the negative. Even better, try and think of some small positive in the moment. What is one thing you’re enjoying right then and there? Got it? Great. Now remember that even if the pumpkin pie is gone before you even got a slice, slap on a smile and reach for the apple pie instead. (I’m sure it will be delic!)
5. Selflessness is Selfish (in a good way)
Helping others has been proven to boost moral and overall positive emotions. If you can’t stop thinking about a comment someone said while passing the gravy, a way to get your mind off of it is to do something for someone else. Being helpful and doing something nice for someone actually triggers chemicals in the brain that promote positivity and a sense of “feeling good”. Instead of focusing on a negative comment, choose to help mom with the dishes or offer to put your niece down for a nap. You’ll find your mind gets distracted and you actually start to feel good about yourself in the process.